please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
