Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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