Will you blow on my dice?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
