So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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