I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
