so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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