the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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