I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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