I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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