When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Randomize
