I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
