i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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