If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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