i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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