if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
