Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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