I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
