I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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