I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
