I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
