i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
