dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
