Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Someone came in the potted fern
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
