i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
