I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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