i jhust puked up my retainher.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
