I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
