Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
