I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
