If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
