I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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