8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
