what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
