I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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