Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
