Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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