also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
