where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
