You smell like a Billy Joel song
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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