can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
