I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
