I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
