You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
