He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
