Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
