I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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