im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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