rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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