I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
