The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
