they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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