dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
