At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
