you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
