So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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