Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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