Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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