Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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