Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
